Pic by KatB Photography
Know what really, really sucks? Feeling absolutely nothing for anyone or anything.
Emotional disengagement is an understandable strategy when faced with an overwhelming world. But when numbness goes beyond being a temporary coping mechanism and becomes your default state, something needs to be done. You need to bring yourself back.
So, what’s this numbness of which I speak? I’ll explain it according to my experience. It’s a sense of disconnection from the world. Things people say don’t register. You feel nothing. You have a lack of empathy for — or even like of — people. You judge them, criticise them and can’t get excited about their achievements. Your attention span is affected, too — you may read an entire page of a book, magazine or newspaper and have absolutely no recollection of what it was about.
Sometimes numbness is a reaction to something painful. Heartbreak tends to come first — it’s horrible, but it’s usually acute. It’s temporary, ripping through your world and displacing everything before moving on and giving you the opportunity to rebuild. But numbness is pervasive. It creeps in and settles. It gradually dulls your senses and seeps into the world around you, flooding it with white noise and blurring its outlines. Everything becomes hazy. Experiences wash over you and you stop noticing the details.
Numbness is also often the result of too much input and not enough output. Every day we are confronted with a barrage of information: RSS feeds, emails, advertising, TV, inane chatter, work demands — all of this swirls around in our heads and ends up getting stuck. It’s too much to process at once, and as a result our minds go “See ya!” and shut down.
Another cause is lack of human contact, especially if you tend to supplant real-life encounters with virtual ones. I went through a stage a few years back where I’d go entire weekends without talking to another human being. And because I was spending so much time alone, I began to feel embarrassed. Which made me more self-conscious, and less inclined to go out and talk to people. Hello, darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again!
When you don’t interact with other humans, you have no frames of reference. You lose context. You start to think that eating a dinner of cold spaghetti straight out of the can and wiping your mouth on your sleeve is normal. (I wish I could chalk up that example to a creative imagination, but I was actually that schlubby.)
So, how do you shake off the haze and reconnect with these human emotions that other people seem so capable of expressing? Here are a few strategies that can help:
- Express yourself. You know those repressed feelings that are rattling around your body? Lay ‘em out on the table. I’ve often been fond of encasing mine within a core of concentric spheres and burying the resulting Megaball of Emotions deep in the backyard. But that’s a really dumb idea. Just be straight-up with people and tell them how you feel. It’s scary, but ultimately incredibly rewarding.
- Bring on the music. Play a song that makes you giddily happy or desperately sad. Sing, scream, dance or cry along. Oh hi there, feelings. It’s been a while.
- Be with people. And don’t put any pressure on yourself to be funny or entertaining or smart. Pick a few friends and do something low-key. Have a picnic. Or make dinner together. If you all suck at cooking it’ll make it more hilarious. Just have a local take-out joint on speed-dial.
- Get naked and let someone touch you. Not like that. I’m talking massage, especially of the hardcore Tui Na variety. If your Tui Na practitioner is anything like mine, you will feel pain, then relief, in muscles you never knew you had. And he/she will likely be sitting on your butt at the time. Which is, you know, confronting. But in a strange way, the casual intimacy of this makes you feel like you must be okay. There’s a sense of self-acceptance that comes with having a small Chinese lady digging her elbows into your cervical vertebrae while sitting on your naked ass.
- Add a degree of difficulty to your day. Throwing an obstacle or challenge into your own path is a quick way to jolt yourself into a better frame of mind. Go harder at the gym or force yourself to make an unpleasant but necessary phone call. When it’s done you’ll feel pretty heroic.
- Take a break from technology. Yes, yes, I know — you are receiving this anti-technology advice from Internerd McHypocrite. I am a poor role model. But it makes such a difference, I cannot even tell you. Try having a tech-free day once a week, or make your home an internet-free zone after, say, 6pm.
- Find something to care about. It could be an artistic project, or an adorable kitty. Whatever it is, just make it something that requires your energy and attention. That way you feel needed and involved in nurturing something important.
I try to do these things often. But sometimes emotional disengagement still happens. (It’s inevitable when you live in crazypants New York.) I continue to have periods of numbness. Quite frequently, actually. But within that I get these extraordinary moments where a deep-seated feeling will lurch to the surface. Sometimes it feels like grief; other times it is closer to exhilaration. The strength and suddenness takes me by surprise. But instead of being unnerved by it, I try to be comforted. It’s wonderful to have such feelings. They prove that I’m a warm-blooded human who is affected by the world around me.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for writing this. Sounds like I really might have a problem and I need to deal with it. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Whenever i feel numb, i’ll always do things like:
-DJing or listening to rave music
-watch anime or any film or TV show
-Watch an episode of Community
-Pray
Especially watching Community. I mean, the show has this “feel good” thing like Amelie which helps you deal with anything. It works, and i suggest you should check out Community Ella or if you have seen it, rewatch it. it helps alot especially with subplots involving Abed or Troy or Annie.
Don’t knock “like *that*”, it can be pretty un-numbing as well
Entire *weekends* without talking to another human? Oh, it gets SO much worse than that…
Early in my relationship with my wife, this was a difficult thing for me to explain to my wife when I would sink into the occasional bout with depression: it’s not that you feel bad, it’s that you don’t feel anything, so you can’t force yourself to care about anything.
As a guy, I would certainly agree with AgincourtDB that sex is de-numbing, but guys are pretty much good to go that way. I imagine most women wouldn’t be in the mood for intimacy under the circumstance.
I would also add the caveat that if you’re starting to get numb, the absolute worst thing you can do is drink alcohol. Distractions are good, but sometimes you need to have some kind of catharsis to remind yourself how to engage with life again. The most consistent help I found was to lie on the floor and listen to Nine Inch Nails’ “A Warm Place” over and over again.
Ella,
You are a person who is loved by a very large community of young adults – and while ‘we’ aren’t in your immediate vicinity – I’m sure that some are concerned and want to help you as you proceed down (the advertised) ‘brightly lit path to the nuthouse’. This really begs the question: Where does the path go after the nuthouse? Seriously? There are plenty of roads out there…. and the nuthouse isnt a dead end…. (contrary to some opinions)
I have personal (and proffessional) experiences of some pretty severe life traumas and subsequent rehabillitations (both my own and of others). I can tell you that finding help can sometimes be hell and even make things significantly worse. You know who I am, and if you want my help in locating adequate resources – you know how to find me. If you were in my town I would reach out in a personal capacity – even though I am allergic to being told to f**k off by intelligent, independent and strong women….
I can provide some general pointers to add for anybody who reads this (as this is a public website). Here are some of my notes regarding ‘the stuff that lurks behind the mask’:
Oscillating between a ‘numbed and isolated state’ and ‘highly efficient radiant state’ is usually indicative of trauma (rather than bi-polar disorder – unless you run around frenzied with a potential for gambling the house away, etc etc…). Its also a sign that you are a human being…. (congratulations)….
According to emotional specialists ‘Curiousity’ is the default healthy emotion. Joy, Love, Envy, Anger, Disgust, Sadness and Fear pretty much fill out the human experiences (as major categories – major debate over this seems to be resolved). Numbing, Hyperarousal, and Avoidance in conjunction with flashbacks and nightmares usually equals mild, or emerging PTSD.
The list of strategies to manage numbness that you posted above are great, but you may need more than that sometimes. The medical establishment at best will help you restore balance with SSRI’s and sleep meds – but nothing beats having a personal therapist. There are Freudians (eek), Jungians (better), Adlerians, CBT’s, DBT’s to name a few. The main thing is that if you are in pain – there is no substitute to working through your pain with a trained and qualified professional – and finding the right one can be quite a task. Using google is a great way to find say ‘a jungian analyst’ in your area; a hospital that offers DBT, or perhaps a CBT specialist who shops at the same grocery store you do…. but its not good to google every symptom you have …. can make things WAY worse…. especially if anxiety is part of your repetoire of malcontent.
Later stages and more severe symptoms that need immediate attention and recognition are: a noticeble Startle response, Depression, Panic, Body pains -usually gut, solar plexus, chest or head pain; Irritability, Explosivity, Anger, Social Phobia, Self harm and alchohol/substance abuse to deal with these symptoms or numbness.
Underneath the ‘mask’ usually lurks pain and emotions that have been blocked and relegated to the unconcious so as to allow a persons ego to function, survive, grow and strengthen. For most people the age mark of 28 seems to usher in a period whereby pain and emotions of childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood come to the surface – which is a healthy mechanism as long as the ego continues to integrate these experiences and strengthen in the long term from this. Modern society doesn;t seem to cater explicitly or openly to this right of passage (Thank you Ella for being so open with your heart) – But for those who don’t have the emotional support in their immediate vicinty or have had a tough ‘lot in life’ then a professional can help (with parts of this)….
…. I must return to making popcorn and watching the final DVD in the ‘girl with dragon tattoo’ trilogy…. in case I havent recommended it – they are freakin awesome if you don’t mind swedish subtitles…
Hey JENGE! I don’t make any recommendations of a medical nature on this blog, as I don’t have a PhD and don’t want to give incorrect advice. But I am all about psychology and salute the trained professionals who help us anxious/depressive/overwhelmed folks out. It can make a world of difference to have someone objective on your side to coach you through.
And don’t worry about me, I’m pretty content! Perhaps I ought not to be so cavalier about things like “the nuthouse”, but I find a bit of humour helps to get the message across when discussing tough stuff like mental health.
When hobbies cost too much, the limits of caffeine have been reached, work becomes stagnant, and there’s no motivation; in creeps avoidance, mindless self-occupation, and procrastination.
Solution 1 – Procrastination:
[to be continued]
Ella,
Mental health IS a touchy subject, but rest assured it is shared and valued by all – even if they don’t want to talk about it (its good you have a law degree to protect you though – a new factoid about things Morton; and its also good to have several passports – so you can flee a jurisdiction). I wouldn;t worry about people confusing this as a medical blog! Or if they do – please get them to contact me – so I can set them straight…
I too am a person who at one point (trumpet in hand) charged towards the nuthouse, so that kind of mission statement of yours reminds me alot of myself during the ‘wilder’ days – now assuredly left in the rearview mirror.
Glad to hear that you are doing well. Please continue drinking from the fountainhead of creativity…. we will hold your hair if you need to barf….
Thanks Ella you are a goddess
It is beautiful to see a glimpse of hope; lots of us relate to this… in my place we don’t have support groups or even therapists that we can talk our problems to, I was on a SSRI medication and yes the numbness changed into a horrific traumatizing experience for almost a month then I was fixed for a while or so I thought cause another experience of discontinuing the medication was even worst and the idea of going back to them scares me to death and I am not exaggerating that feeling. My experience with medication was horrific enough to give it up at least numbness is much more bearable.
Hello Ella,
Thanks for writing this, and those are great recommendations. If I could offer another: make a change of environment. It could bit some small like getting a new plant or painting that you like, reorganizing a room, or taking a road trip. For you in particular, you should take a drive around my neck of the woods to Western New York and check out the Finger Lakes and Niagara Falls.
Work makes me numb, most of modern life does in it’s dreary, restrictive nanny form. I just take time out, drive my car 600 miles to a beautiful Scottish Island and camp out far beyond humans, mobile phone signals and repair my poor battered mind. We’re just not meant to cope with the information overload and controlling nature of the work place and media driven world. For a few weeks just wake up every day look out of a tent at stunning mountain scenery and worry about what you’re gonna cook for breakfast. Afterwards you like a human again and have back the sense of awe and wonder at things. Having walked in mountains under a full moon is the most magical experience, things like this bring you back from the brink of craziness of the modern world. Sometimes I feel like I found a secret that most people seem to have forgotten, it’s not really, it’s just that I kept hold of some of my childhood and used it in an adult world. As children most of us loved to go to the beach, see mountains, walk hills and woods, why should it be any different when you are older? Back to basics really, it’s a life saver!
Interesting article – I will try some of your suggestions. I lead a busy life stuffed with commitments to friends, family and the workplace. As such numbness does become a frequent problem.
I usually counter the problem by writing lists. I have an exercise book for the purpose – 80 single ruled empty pages. I number my problems and sometimes re-write them to make better sense. I use a good (but inexpensive, well used) pen that glides smoothly over the page. And I try my best to keep the lines aligned. Writing lists is therapeutic to me. Putting it all down onto paper clears my mind, eventually helping me to “feel” normal (if there is such a thing).
I also find that the effect is magnified if I do it outside of my apartment and in a busy place – where plenty of people walk by on their business. I love people, movement and noise, and watching them buzz around me helps me to relax.
i kinda like the numbness at times. Because i know that when i get out of it, im happy to feel things again. Otherwise, i wouldnt be in that situation in the first place..
-R
Thanks Ella, it’s good to know I’m not the only one with the numbness.I’ve been like it for years and only a couple of people have ever broken through.I find it very difficult when I should feel but don’t
Thanks for the advice, but more importantly, thanks for sharing
Andy
You may like this: Star Wars ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ Graphic
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1814572
I think I’ll try to all those suggestions at once. It will look something like me naked, doing the splits, revealing my inner concerns to my wife while she gives me a really hard neck rub while we listen/sing to Imogen Heap and I hug my dog. It’ll be a side hug, not full-frontal.
Thanks for the recommendations and sorry for that mental image…
I love this… This was very helpful! What Jenge says makes a lot of sense as well! Thank you guys for sharing.
Hey, thanks! It’s so amazing to know there are other people feeling exactly the same! I’m fed up of it and not sure what to do with it because I feel I can’t express myself and the other suggestions only mask over the problem.
Charlotte
x
I feel numb since my boyfriend left me (2years ago) but this feeling got worst 5 months ago .. I don’t know what to do .. I feel like I don want anything , I don’t care about anything Orr anyone .. I had everything everyone .. I don’t like my life I just wanna sleep forever . All I want is to feel normal . I don’t feel anything .. Every time someone talks to me it’s like if I know what there going to say and it’s uninteresting .. HelP me please .. I’m only 18 and all of this is driving me crazy
Entire weekends? I have Maladaptive Daydreaming, so if I was home alone for a while, and didn’t have to worry about my friends texting me or visiting me, I could probably go two to three WEEKS without human contact, the closest to it being reading posts and the occasional reply.
I just broke up with my boy friend i wish i can feel numb;(its just so hard !
All I can say is I feel this state a lot of the time. I have so much good in my life and yet somedays i’ll be with my boyfriend and I just can’t remember feeling anything towards him or anyone else. It scares me so much because when I am in this state my subconscious is screaming for the ability to feel something..so what I naturally try to do is hurt those around me or shake my previous life up to try get a reaction out of myself and by the time I return to normal state I have screwed things up with the people I care most for. If anyone else goes through this, I would highly recommend (this is the only thing that has an immediate affect on me) stand in the rain. Just feel each individual rain drop touch your skin and allow it to bring you back to earth. Eventually you may start to think “I better get inside or else I am going to get a cold” or something along those lines, its a start and by thinking that at lease you know you are caring for something at the time.
Ella,
This is exactly how I have been feeling for two years. I bounce back for a little while, a few months maybe – but I always find my way back into feeling absolutely nothing. I couldn’t have explained it better myself.
If you have any advice on how to feel better (while not having any friends other than a boyfriend who really tries to help, but is blind on how to make me feel happy) …. then that would be greatly appreciated.
I feel lonely and yet I don’t want to be around anyone other than my boyfriend. I have no friends and I feel like I don’t even belong in my family anymore. They don’t even know who I am now, they just assume what I like and don’t like and whenever I speak my mind, they assume I am being a smart a$$ who only wants to fight.
But really I just want to be alone in peace…
Amarie77
Dear Ella,
this was incredibly helpful. Like Amarie I have also experienced numbness on and off for about two years. When I am not in a numb state though I am in a emotional high or terrible emotional low. I am my most content when I am travelling. I care more and everything enlivens me. I miss feeling like I belong in a city full of strangers, than in a city full of friends and relatives.
For everyone experienced a similar journey don’t lose faith, we will find that key and unlock our inner beauty for our own eyes to see.
x
i’m glad i read this. i have a long (verrrry long) distance relationship. i’m moving to be with him, but it’s not fo another month, and it’s already been 2 since i was last with him. I know that doesn’t sound a lot but it feels like a lifetime. It’s getting harder everyday. I realised that I feel numb…. i know how much i love and want and miss him. but its like i’m filled with a dread, a reconciliation of loneliness, and when I saw his beautiful face today (video chat) he could tell i wasn’t right. i had to go, feigning tiredness, and i could see i’d upset him. i dont like being this at all.
dont know how i’m going to get through the next month. i dont want to hurt him or shut down emotionally…. i dont know what to do or how to cope with the intense feeling of missing him which has tuned into a knot in stomach, dread, numb, feeling. i can’t get excited or feel happy now. starting to fake smile.
Reading this literally brings tears to my eyes. I’m so numb and have been for so long. No one to really talk with about it. Relationships haven’t worked out in my life. I have a 20 year old that is depressed as well. Parents who are divorced. A mother who is in a world of physical pain. I just quit my job and having a hard time finding another. People ask me what I want to do and the sad thing is, I don’t even know what to tell them. Nothing sounds good, appealing, etc. It’s a scary place to be. There is some comfort though and hearing from others that have been there.
Almighty gives us hurdles just to see how we perform in the field named ”patience”…a true believer n winner ‘ll never give up though He knows that….so if we feel numb i think we should re-check n upgrade our level of patience…rest of the situation ‘ll come down automatically….
)) i just believe that those salty eye drops n painful incidents can’t make my beautiful life horrible…..”If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible.”
I am feeling rather numb, I try my best to get in contact with my emotions, but it’s hard. Sometimes I just don’t feel enthusiastic enough to “live” and sometimes it all just feel more like a burden. I had to cope with stress and pressures of scoring well for my exams, I fel like my mind shut down. Then I felt all empty inside and an overwhelming undescribable depressing type of boredom. I could almost feel it literally my heart or something within my chest darkens and hardens as if it was ripping apart.
I love many of the suggestions, but I don’t think music is the cure to numbness. I am someone who is fairly addicted to listening to music and songs. It feels as though it cured your numbness for awhile and you feel like you finally get to feel emotions again and feel so happy, but as soon as the music is turned off, you will feel empty again, usually even more empty than before making it such that you don’t want to off the music so you don’t have to deal with the feeling of emtyness and deoression.
Weirdly, I think taking a long cold shower helps a lot, its almost magical. I can’t quite describe it, you should try it, it kinda helps a lot. Somehow taking cold shower erases you of ill feelings and thoughts almost in a snap of a finger. Like I said you must try it in order to understand and see if it works. I’d suggest using the shower head instead of a bath tub, or at least that’s how I use.
what if you like the feeling of being numb….. im having it but it feels better, i feel like i can be my own person and not rely on anyone else. not being able to happiness is good for me…. when im happy something bad happens… when i feel nothing everything seems to go ok
From being a child I have had ongoing hurt through my,life with close family and at 58 still going on.
I now feel numb to everything and find that very sad.
Feel very alone even though I have 5 children