I lived alone for several years. I also spend freakishly long hours bathed in the comforting glow of my laptop monitor. These two factors — combined with a few other behavioural quirks — turned me into what you might call “a socially awkward hermit”. Observe a journal entry from early 2008:
I need to call the real estate agent today and set a time for her to come over. Hopefully that will spur me into action on the domestic maintenance front. There are things about her visit that I’m going to ponder for absolutely no good reason. Like: do I offer her a cup of tea? I don’t even own a kettle. Will she find me inhospitable? Will we sit on my slightly-too-small sofa and discuss property prices? These are the trivialities that clutter your mind when you suck at being social.
It’s great to have time to yourself for chilling out and reflecting, but spending great stretches alone can make you feel out of sync with the world. You become self-centred. You develop animalistic domestic habits, such as eating meals out of cans and spending half-an-hour scrutinising your nasal blackheads in the bathroom mirror. It’s not good.
Then there’s the guilt. You skipped that party on Saturday night to stay home in bed with your laptop. You didn’t call that person back because it all felt too awkward. These things pile on top of one another and leave you feeling defeated.
What’s worse is that when you do actually make the effort to go out with friends, your focus is not on them. It’s on you and how awkward you feel. “Am I making too much eye contact? Is that weird? Oh crap, I’ve been silent for too long. What can I say that would sound normal?”
I used to find all of this stuff really troubling. I thought I was the only person in the world to be plagued by such inadequacies. The out-of-sync feeling had me convinced that I was heading down the road to Crazyville. One day I got fed up and spilled all of this to a good friend. I was ready for him to call the local sanitarium and have me committed, but he simply looked at me and said “Relax”.
From then on, I started talking to more people about it and found that being self-conscious and hermitty is actually pretty common, especially among fellow internet addicts. It’s amazing how a little external reassurance can make all the difference. With that in mind, here are a few things I try to remember whenever I start to feel reclusive and awkward.
- Relax. Seriously. Constantly telling yourself that you are a crap socialiser creates anxieties that play on your mind the next time you converse with someone. You then focus on said anxieties, and the whole thing becomes one big cycle of self-fulfillment.
- Understand that some people won’t get it. While it feels amazing to dazzle people with your quick wit, sometimes you will meet someone who just doesn’t get you. They’ll look at you quizzically and ask you to clarify what you thought was a cuttingly observant pop-culture reference. Doesn’t matter. What’s fascinating about humans is that they are so diverse. Senses of humour vary wildly. If you’re getting blank looks, just be polite, excuse yourself, and chronicle any embarrassments later in a stand-up comedy routine.
- Don’t just think about it — do it. It’s all very well to read books and blogs about self-improvement, but you have to actually get out there and apply the theories that resonate with you. Do it! It’s scary but so, so invigorating. Who knows who you’ll meet and what they might be able to offer you? (Fun, intellectual stimulation, a pony ride, a job…)
- Smile. I am a habitual, unrepentant over-smiler, but every grin is genuine. If you smile when you meet someone, you instantly appear confident, friendly and relaxed. Confident, friendly, relaxed people are much more appealing than their uptight compadres.
- Trust your friends. There’s a reason they hang around you. The personality traits you despise in yourself may be the very quirks they find endearing. Let them decide instead of presenting an incomplete version of yourself to the world.
{ 6 comments }
