Let us turn now to the analysis of hateration. (How great is that word? I believe it was made popular via this brilliant Mary J. Blige song.)
Sometimes I’ll visit one of my videos on YouTube and be met with feedback like this:
This is so gay.
not funny at all.
you’ll never make it please just give up.
your a dumb bitch and you are not funny.
Back when I was new to the whole putting stuff online thing, comments like this would have given me that full-body flush of mortification that one tends to get when reading unexpectedly negative feedback about oneself. But now that I’ve been publishing writing and videos on the ‘net for several years, I find that I’m no longer affected by such rancour — aside from being perturbed that “that’s so gay” is still in vogue as a generic pejorative. Comments like this are so hyperbolic and patently ridiculous that it’s impossible to take them personally. Sometimes I’m even impressed by the creativity on display. An anonymous commenter once told me that he hoped I would die while having an abortion. The specificity of that request was strangely amusing.
Most times it’s not worth replying to hateful internet comments, but if you’re feeling a bit cheeky and can’t resist a comeback, here’s the best strategy: humour and compassion. For real. It works every time. I tend to go for something like this:
But my friend Anthony Carboni, who hosts the Revision3 show Bytejacker, always has the best responses:
Why is it important to keep your replies low-key and funny? Because in almost all cases, people don’t actually hate you. They hate their own, often misconceived idea of you, or what you represent, or the way that you somehow remind them of a failing or inadequacy or missed opportunity.
Think about the times when you’ve mouthed off about a celebrity or claimed you hated someone you’ve never met. We’ve all done it. Unless you are some kind of anomalous do-gooder with the constitution of a Care Bear, it’s likely you’ve snarked about someone’s appearance, behaviour or life’s work. But was it really about that particular person? Or was there something about them that made you uncomfortable because it was symptomatic of a greater ill?
I understand what’s behind the online hateration, especially when it comes from The Youth. I remember what it was like to feel frustrated and disempowered. I remember wishing that I could speak up and that people would listen and understand. A lot of people feel that way. And the internet is there, with its anonymity cloak and text input box, inviting you to unleash vitriol on the nearest convenient target. So of course people will take out their frustrations on people who don’t deserve it.
I won’t lie — there are times when I read comments and feel crappy. Sometimes I’ll be teetering on the edge of a bad mood, and a few choice words will sent me hurtling into the chasm of self-doubt. But the comments that hurt are always the ones that seize upon some pre-existing point of insecurity and lay it bare for the world to see. I don’t really care if someone tells me that my face looks like a smashed crab, or that I should get Botox injections in my jaw (which was a comment on a recent Rocketboom video!), but comments about weight and lack of intellect do occasionally sting. That’s because I’ve had complexes about those issues in the past. But now I just think about the person behind the comment, and how it’s a shame that they’re so unhappy with their own life that they feel the need to throw a virtual rock at someone else. If only I could send them all a copy of the Robot Unicorn Attack board game.
Rules of engagement with haters
- Never write an angry reply. It’s not worth the energy. Save that passion for creating more cool stuff to put online.
- Respond with humour and compassion. It gives them nowhere to go and makes you look like the level-headed, roll-with-it person you are. They’ll just come across as more of a tool.
- Wanting to be liked and accepted is a fundamental human desire, but don’t rely on external validation from anonymous internerds to bolster your self-esteem. That’s what friends and family are for!
- Know that you can’t please everyone. Nor should you try to. Do what you think is smart, or funny, or affecting. Do not dilute your ideas because you are afraid of how they will be received.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
This is the worst blog post ever!
… No KIDDING!…
I think you have some great ideas here…
I also think hunting down the people that hate you and killing them while they sleep is also a valid solution. However ideas are equally as good if not better from that whole legal and socially acceptable point of view.
Keep up the great work…
Joe
Hate is probably something most people don’t really know much about. Usually they confuse their own frustrations, anger and bamboozlement as hate towards others, but they haven’t been taught manners or how to express themselves properly, and probably could use with a dose of feminism, elegance (dare I offer suggestions?) and beautifully expressed prose. Maybe we should introduce poetry into schools and … uh, wait, no that could be the reason things already are pear-shaped. Maybe we should take it out?
I personally don’t approve of how any person can allow themselves to act like a dick towards anyone; you live in society, and by the very nature of your presence you are agreeing to the invisible, inaudible, unspoken and unheard of contract of “playing nice with others” and if you don’t like it there’s a desert in California (obviously not part of society proper) you can go an die in, you rotten bastard, you filthy substitute for a thought, you sub-par excuse for a subtle molecular machine, I hate you!
My theory is that people are 1) taught to be dicks by their context, 2) not taught to be appreciative of foreign expression or messages of love and happiness, and c) too rooted in their cultural and emotional abyss to notice they sit in one. However, in practice I realize that 1) is more than sufficient.
I totally agree! I have friends who call themselves “anti-haters” who reply aggressively to people leaving negative comments on their videos but doesn’t that just perpetuate the hate? I’ve even had people apologise after I responded to their nasty messages kindly – that’s got to be the best outcome.
Break into their house and hide raisins in their “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
SURPRISE!!! ha ha ha!
I like this post. Throughout high school I let my confidence be shaped way too much by the shallow opinions of others. Now that I turned 30 on the weekend, looking back I’ve realized that my 20s have been an exercise in letting go of my teenage insecurities and learning to be content in being who I am. Too nerdy? Too ugly? Too [insert perceived pejorative here]? Whatever. It’s me. And like you say, if people in their hateration (awesome word I agree
) have a problem with that, then yep, it says a lot about them.
Agreed on all points. Never feed the trolls. It’s Newton’s Fourth Law of Motion: For every video action there is an equal or opposite viewer reaction. It’s either that or Murphy’s Law of videography: no matter what you do, someone will hate it.
Great post!
Personalizing someone else’s frame as some kind of permanent judgment on your soul is one of the worst habits to ever have.
Besides, unselfconscious, secure people never talk like that anyway.
-So it’s really just another form of insecurity manifesting itself.
In a way, those stupid feedbacks on YouTube are kind of a Gift, because they’re so easily laughable, they educate you that everyone is different, they all have different opinions, and not everyone will be a match for each other in ~any areas at all.
I forget who it was, maybe Bruce Lee, but there’s this saying that goes something like: “I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine.”
If you exhibit yourself you are asking to be noticed and therefore your audience has the right of reply – be it positive or negative. Especially if you’re using your sexuality to get attention.
Ella, you’re a genius. :3
This is sooo heterosexual.
You made a good point about not waiting on external validation. As a guitar player I often post songs on the web, frequently refreshing to see if there has been any new comments. (Hateful comments cheer me up though, because it’s usually by people who can’t play guitar and thus are actually ridiculing themselves). But looking for that validation is to be honoust a bit silly, because deliberately posting a song or a video actually means that you’re so comfortable with your own work that you really don’t care anymore about what people think (or call you gay). While the short musical ideas or concepts get only shared with my friends, hoping they’ll like it!
JC: Interesting viewpoint! I don’t know if the whole “using your sexuality” thing was aimed at me specifically, but being on Rocketboom has taught me that internet commenters will turn everything sexual, regardless of its intention. If you’re female and on YouTube, you’re going to get sex-related comments. Even when your content is perfectly innocuous.
The phrase “exhibit yourself” is also interesting — it implies a latent narcissism and seems to negate the idea of creative expression. When I put videos online, the motivation is not to draw attention to myself. It’s to share something I’ve created in the hope of entertaining, amusing or provoking discussion among others. As you say, people have the right to be positive or negative in their responses. But reasoned criticism is different from hateration!
When I was a teacher and simultaneous making YouTube videos (big mistake), the high school kids came across my channel. It caused a little drama in the whole school. The kids thought that I was weird and kept on mocking me. The faculty & administration were confused. They saw nothing wrong but they were also uncomfortable. It was because I was so young and so in touch with technology that I was breaking ever barrier that 90% of the faculty has never done or heard of before. They were afraid of pushing ahead, so I was the sacrificial lamb to see if this would work.
In the end, I kept on doing what I was doing with all the comments. I took them in stride because it all came down to these things: 1. they were jealous that they couldn’t do the same or come up with something good, 2. they followed the jealous crowd and 3. they wanted to be recognized but were unwilling to take the first step lest it back fires.
At the end of the day, all hater comments comes down to the fact that you’re doing something great and amazing, but these people wish it was them and not you. You’re doing something right and wonderful. You’re being a leader and changing the world, one video at a time. They want to be you, but they won’t admit it.
So Ella, thanks. And thanks for responding in humour and kindness. Because you’re beating them at their game. =D
Also, who knows if they even watched the video? Maybe they’re just being idiots and marking random videos with stupid comments.
I remember one Simpsons episode where I think Lisa was having some kind of dream where she was in front of a crowd. The crowd started booing her, and she said “Why would people come here just to boo me?”
Also, the comments could be from spambots.
Great post Ella! Sadly there’s an abundance of non-contributing zero’s in the world & most of them have an internet connection. Instead of using that connection for something positive, they use it to sling their douche-baggery, & rain on other peoples parades. Hiding behind the illusion of anonymity, they are much tougher, cruder & more outspoken than they’d ever be face to face. Some call them ‘keyboard commando’s’. In reality they’re sad little cowards.
It takes a fair bit of courage to put yourself out there in any form! Cudos for fighting past the “Full-body flush of mortification” & continuing on despite the hateration!
Yes, you’d go at it like dog training or so I’ve heard. Ignore the bad and reward the good. People are different and laugh at different things. I think you’re funny, Ella. Just put them on iggy. You’ve got fans.
I call shenanigans on this post. You are unhateable.
Ella I’m not going to add a well though-out response just because many others have already done so but I’m just going to say; I love what you do and wish I had your confidence. You’re very talented and well what can I say ……without going all fan-like – ‘I love you Ella’ (that’s in a non-intrusive I don’t know you but I connect with what you say and respect you way…..)
Anyway keep up the great work.
Matt.
You are amazing and beautiful!
So I guess that makes you amazingly beautiful?
YES. Yes it does.
As an “anomoulous do-gooder” with a constitution of a care-bear let me preach from the Holy Book of mastering ‘Ill Communication’…..
Chapter 19: THE WAY OF THE BODHISATTVA
If Others Disrespect Me Or Give Me Flack
I’ll Stop And Think Before I React
I Know That They’re Going Through Insecure Stages
I’ll Take The Opportunity To Exercise Patience
I’ll See It As A Chance To Help The Other Person
To Nip It In The Bud Before It Can Worsen
~x~
We Need Other People In Order To Create
The Circumstances For The Learning That We’re Here To Generate
Situations That Bring Up Our Deepest Fears
So We Can Work To Release Them Until They’re Cleared
Therefore, It Only Makes Sense
To Thank Our Enemies Despite Their Intent.
~x~
I wanted to comment about your ‘Binging Problem’ too. I see it as being analagous to sticking one’s Pecker-Head into the metaphorical collective-epistemic “Mashed Potatoes” during your very own ‘party for one’….
I might leave other thoughts in some harrasing form on your relevant You-Tube video….. simply to fit my newly found sense of anamoulous-ness-ness…. and that’s only If I feel like it….
Many happy returns of the day,
Sherm./
I don’t know how anyone could not like you. You’re just inherently… likable! I feel lucky that there are people like you around, doing the things you do.
Excellent strategy you have though, I like your “cheeky” response, really made me smile.
Great post! I really dig your Rocketbooom interviews with NYC folks. But this blog post made me react–and again to read the comments that followed it. Thanks for the insights, and your courage to write about it.
Cheers,
C.
Inspirational!
As usual your charm and intellect fuel my own creativity. I usually am reluctant to post things as I am worried about what a person might say about it. Your suggestions are just the thing I need to think about as I begin my presence online to share my thoughts.
Thank-You Ella
Tony
Marry me , lol , how about this good motivational comment, you are doing great, you go girl
Hmmm…..
A new blog. An interesting discovery.
(looks up “pejorative” on dictionary.com).
Btw. Where did the girl in your website banner image come from? The one holding the thread that spells “Sprinkle of Ginger”. Did you draw her in? Sort of a 1920s American ad like material eh?
I have just recently discovered your channel and it was because of your response to the molly stalker. I think that if I haven’t clicked on your name I wouldn’t have known how interesting and funny you are. I been subscribed to rocketboom for a couple of months and all I can say is I considered you to be just a face and voice that gives me not entirely relevant to me, but interesting information. I am very sorry if I’ve offended you by saying this. I really think that you should put more of yourself in the interviews, because I just can’t describe how much I have enjoyed the elegant guide and your vlogging. I hope you haven’t abandoned entirely your blog and the elegant guide, because I love your sense of humor. It also made me realize that I been subscribed to so many youtubers that I find ok, but don’t really enjoy. And I was very excited when I came across someone I really like.
Ok enough rambling, on the haters note I’d like to say that I don’t really know what it’s like to read this type of comments addressed to me, since I haven’t put up any videos of myself. But when I watch something I get really pissed off at the hateful comments I fight the urge to respond. Then again engaging a conversation and acknowledging their existence could make them feel special and I just rate down and flag them as spam, and I just hope that the uploader or the person would read one less of these.
Well maybe actually last time I did maybe something a bit immature I went to their channel and rated down all their videos and flagged again. Then again I try to imagine there are a lot of teenagers and lame people in general who are the same assholes in real life and I don’t think the anonymity would be a reason to act in this manner . But I have to say that even when I am not fond of content or the youtuber I don’t tend to say anything hurtful or offensive I just realize there are a lot of different people and there is an audience for everyone.
I actually was considering making videos myself I thought about the hate mail and since I don’t handle very well criticism and I thought I could just ask a friend to delete them, before I read or respond to other questions. Even if it’s constructive criticism I don’t really care, unless it’s someone I really respect, that is saying it. Ok, sorry for the extremely long and probably boring post . I’ll probably be reading your blog for the next couple of days.
Take care
Just wanted to say thank you for posting this. We’re being unexplicably hated on by a small group of people, and this is really helping me cope and feel more secure about myself. The comments here are also extremely inspirational. Thank you so much.
thank you, great advice!
Anybody that insults your intelligence or your appearance is an idiot. From your videos and writing, I see someone who is very smart and sure of themself. You also have a beauty that shines from the inside. (That last part sounded a bit e-stalker-ish, didn’t it? Okay, I’m going to stop now…)
I love this!
Thanks for the post and the great advice.
Tori
Amazing insight, good advice! I have a couple of women right now that are dedicated and loyal trolls in my life. No matter what I do or where I go they always seem to follow me and throw sticks.
Sound advice, as always, Ella.
this is a really cool blog
i dont get how people could hate someone like you, its people like you that make life so much more interesting!!
I was just googling about this and glad to have landed here.
I have a co-worker that keeps on giving hints about me and surely hates me for some odd reason that I do not know. I was thinking of asking her what here problem is but I’d rather not as advised here.
This is not the first time and many people seem to hate me. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me or it’s just the way I look, act, talk etc. I came a different site and they advised to just be myself.
Thank you. I was having a kinda bad evening from something off-putting and found this article. This makes me feel a lot better and makes me feel too good to write snarky comments on my fb wall. Thank you for your intervention.
Ella,Your experience in living life even has a 49 year old man at times in tears and at times absolutely inthralled in your road through life.Your maturity is beyond your years, yet the way you tell your story, makes it very similiar to mine and many other people on their journey of life.Loved your appearance in the Boy and Bear Video.Cut a path through the world Ella,you’re doing well.
Thanks. Loved this post. I’m taking your “Rules of engagement with haters” and posting it on my desktop to remind myself how to deal with the continual internet stupidity I have to deal with.
Hey! Thanks for the advice. Can you believe I came across this blog becasue I had googled ‘How to deal with being hated’? What kind of world do we live in when human beings have to resort to that? Anyway, I googled this phrase because I am hated in my workplace for a number of reasons. I believe these reasons consist of: (1) Because I dont suck up to management (2) Because I have a life outside of work and therefore my life doesnt revolve around work (3) Because I have been off work a number of times due to a medical condition.
I have now been told that I am no longer needed at my workplace so am leaving next week.
I was also subjected to the management distributing christmas gifts to everyone but me yesterday. It gets me really down. I have to try and hold me head up high because I do not want to be defined by such people, and the only person who has the right to judge me is me. But it is hard. I do agree that we all need someone to talk to and I am grateful for that! Thanks to everyone who is reading this and if you are hurting like me because of other people’s hate, you are not alone and at least we know deep down that we can only be ourselves, nothing more. Love to all x