Schoolday memories

by Ella on June 19, 2010

London Eye

Pic by dcJohn

At the age of about nine, three friends and I formed the Friends-4-Ever Club. Heavily influenced by The Baby-Sitters Club, we would collect “dues” of one or two dollars each every week and produce newsletters photocopied at the office of someone’s dad. The content of these newsletters was always slight, consisting mostly of drawings of balloons and flowers and cats. Our club had no definitive purpose other than the promotion of friendship and general do-gooding. During lunch time we would stand at the school fence and ask passers-by to donate money to the club, reaching our hands between the bars of the gate like little urchins. Most people laughed. A few people gave us some change. Soon we lost interest.

In an attempt to save money at high school we’d buy a buttered roll and a flavoured ice block called a Lickstick for lunch. The buttered roll was 50 cents and the Lickstick cost 30 cents. We would get into heated debates about whether the black Lickstick was black or purple. It was blackcurrant flavoured. I always considered it to be purple.

In year 10 a substitute history teacher gave me detention. She called me antagonistic. I have never been so offended. It was the exact opposite of everything I wanted to be.

When I was 16 and anorexic I brought a small plastic container of tomato soup and two rice cakes for lunch. Juvena was going to the canteen, so I asked her to heat my soup. When she came back she showed me that the rubber seal on the container had melted into the plastic, fusing the edges and trapping the soup inside. I threw it against a brick wall in frustration. I felt powerless and angry and imprisoned by my own skin.

When I got really thin I had to gather my school skirt into folds and pin it in the back. I used a safety pin that mum had saved from when she used it to fasten my nappies as a baby.

I remember always being cold. I wore long-sleeved thermals to school. And when I sat down it hurt because the bones of my spine scraped against the plastic chair.

During the school holidays in year 11 a freak hailstorm damaged all the classrooms on the top floor. For months we had to have lessons in creaking portable rooms that had been installed on the grass field near the bear pit. (Our school was built on the site of the old Sydney Zoo, which closed in 1916.) The rooms were stifling in summer and desperately cold in winter, and the carpets were always ripped and frayed.

Our all-girl school was next to an all-boy school. It used to be separated by a fence, but that was gone by the time we were there. The boys’ school had Coke and vanilla slices in their canteen, but we had to make do with flavoured sparkling mineral water and chocolate chip muffins.

There was nothing as stressful as watching the wheels of a cassette tape slowly spin as you sat facing the stereo during a Japanese speaking exam. A piece of paper with English sentences sat on the desk, and you had to speak them in Japanese, remembering all of the tricky grammatical structures and particles that would be ticked off when the teacher heard the tape. You had five minutes to read the paper before pressing the record button. I used to rock back and forth, squeezing my hands together and reciting the phrases to myself in a frenzied whisper.

All the cool girls used to wear eight-hole Doc Martens instead of the brown leather shoes we were supposed to have. Once there was a uniform check during English, and Juvena was wearing white socks with little ladybugs on them. As the teacher made her way to the back of the classroom where we were sitting, Juvena painted the bugs away with Wite-Out. She didn’t get into trouble.

Being at school after dark always felt like an adventure.

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Scrambled thoughts on London

by Ella on June 17, 2010

London Eye

Pic by night86mare

Recently I made my fourth visit to London, this time courtesy of the good folk at CheapOair. (I won a competition that relied on chance and required absolutely no skill. Ego boost activate!)

The trip was of the whirlwind variety — five days — but I still managed to pack in a metric Thames-load of museums, sightseeing and unbridled but culturally contextual binge-drinking. Herewith, some highlights, recommendations, and general jetlag-addled blather.

Museums and galleries
There are some brilliant museums in London, and the vast majority are free. Yep, you don’t have to pay anything to browse the Greek sculptures that Lord Elgin stole carefully and lawfully acquired from the ruins of the Parthenon. Being accustomed to NYC museums like the Met, which makes a very, very strong suggestion that you pay the “donation” of $20, I found this policy rather jarring.

The clump o’ museums along Cromwell Road in Kensington (Natural History Museum; Science Museum; V&A) is well worth a visit. The Darwin Room at the NHM has a bunch of creepy specimens floating in formaldehyde, which you can examine during a private tour. In the Science Museum there are creepy life-size dioramas of 19th century medical procedures. But the best of the bunch is the V&A. Its smartly curated collection features an extraordinary cast court, which has plaster versions of European sculptures, tombs and architectural details. The most impressive is Trajan’s column, built in Rome in AD 113. They had to split it in two to fit it in the room. I mean, come on. Amazing.

V&A Cast Court

Trajan’s column at the V&A Cast Court. Unwashed nerd in foreground for scale.

As for other museums worth a look-in, The British Museum is your one-stop mummy shop. In addition to having an array of ancient Egyptian sarcophagi, desiccated body bits and decorative scarabs, it hosts the Rosetta Stone. The Tate Modern has the stuff that makes you say “I don’t get this; I hate it”, or “I don’t get this; I love it”. The Imperial War Museum in Lambeth is affecting — the Blitz and Holocaust exhibits will silence you into solemnity and bring home the meaning of holidays like ANZAC Day and Memorial Day.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Saatchi Gallery in Chelsea. The works within its walls are frequently anarchic and witty and it makes for a great palate cleanser if you’ve been traipsing around museums all day. The best artwork at the moment is by Richard Wilson: an entire room filled to waist-deep height with sump oil. You observe it from a platform, and for the first few minutes you have no idea what you’re looking at. The surface looks solid but reflective. Then you start to see ripples and realise the entire thing is liquid. Reader, it blew my mind.

Huggin Hill

Hug a Londoner today!

Nature and all that
London, your parks are impressive. Well done. There are also a lot of them. And they are huge. Regent’s Park, Hyde Park and Hampstead Heath are all so very English. The deck chairs, the rowboats, the manicured rose gardens, the ponds that people bathe in when it reaches a balmy 15 degrees Celcius: this is the Britain I came to see. Though the grit of New York has its charms, the sheer prettiness of these verdant enclaves is sigh-worthy.

But even when I’m on vacation, I like to remind myself regularly that I am going to die. It’s just part of the ol’ routine, you know? So I took a stroll through Brompton Cemetery. It’s peaceful and mossy and overgrown but not at all eerie. People ride their bikes along the paths. There was even a girl playing catch with her dad when I was there. I’m sure the residents didn’t mind.

Brompton Cemetery

This concludes your daily memento mori. Thank you for visiting Brompton Cemetery.

Social graces
There are a few things about London that you can appreciate no matter where you venture to within the city. The first is the prevailing civility. This is different to what I’m used to, both in my adopted home and my original one. New York is brash and wild and get-outta-my-way-already. Similarly, one of Australia’s hallmarks — many would call it a virtue — is the very casual manner in which people converse with one another. This can be seen in fleeting encounters (bus drivers, waitstaff) as well as with friends, and even between different levels of the workplace hierarchy. There is a lot of fast-tracked familiarity when it comes to addressing people, as evidenced in the fact that anyone whose name cannot be recalled is referred to as “mate”.

By contrast, your average London encounter is shrouded in social decency. People on the street, cashiers and train announcers get all Jane Austen on you, politely offering phrases like “I’m terribly sorry” and “Do bear with me for a spell while I extract this bandsaw from the gaping wound in my torso”. Such considerate language denotes respect and a certain reserved approach that I find most alluring. It reminds me of that scene between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth near the end of Pride and Prejudice where they are confessing their mutual desire to hook up, couched in such beautifully restrained lines as “You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Oh YES, YOU MUST. Hot.

Phone box

Call when you want, but there’s no one home, and you’re not gonna reach my telephone.

Supermarket food
However undeserved, England has a reputation for awful cuisine. But there is one ares in which it excels: decent lazy-single-person food. Oh, my word. Just drop into an M&S Simply Food or check out the organic readimeals from Sainsbury’s and Waitrose. Unlike New York supermarkets, where high-fructose corn syrup reigns supreme, you will find delicious, fresh things that your lazy ass can eat straight out of the box. If you are like me (non house-trained, more inclined to spend time dancing to Lady Gaga in your living room than bother whipping up a quick paella), London is your lazebot mecca. I was enraptured by the array of gastronomic offerings that require little to no effort expenditure before being transported from fork to mouth.

Thus ends my meandering trip report. Thank you, people of London, for showing me a good time. I will be back.

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The ups and downs of being a freelancer

by Ella on June 6, 2010

My life is ridiculous. In a good way, mostly. And it has been that way for the last year and a half. To illustrate, here are some of the activities I engaged in over the span of a recent week:

  • Took a tour of a decaying castle on an island in the Hudson River.
  • Dressed as a taco and sang murdered David Bowie’s Space Oddity at Joe’s Pub, while being pelted with 144 sticks of chalk. This silliness was all in pursuit of a URDB world record.
  • Did an interview on the flight deck of the USS Intrepid, then had a few chats with serving members of the US Navy.
  • Attended a six-hour burlesque workshop, during which I learned seductive glove removal techniques and discovered that my personal goddess is the Hindu Sarasvati, patron of intelligence, cosmic knowledge, creativity and the arts.

All of this was “work”. This is the life of a freelancer. And it is all very charming and whimsical — until you visit a medical practitioner and get told that your ultrasound will cost $5,600 because you have no health insurance.

Hello, sailor!

Hello, sailors! Pic by Leah D’Emilio.

Becoming a freelancer is one of the biggest shake-ups I’ve ever experienced. It’s fun yet stressful, lazy but tiring, and the wild variation in income from month to month is a rollercoaster of budgeting angst. But all up, I love it. And I don’t think I could ever work nine-to-five in an office again.

If you’ve considered ditching your job and seeing what the freelance thing is all about, here are a few things to roll around in your head. Let’s start with the positives.

  • No set routine, aka, who cares if you wake up at 11am and eat cake for breakfast? For many people, being able to set your own hours is the main appeal of freelancing. I can’t deny that it feels rather delicious to spend most mornings sleeping in. But lack of routine can also be a downer. I actually like being told what to do. I like having a place to go to and a time limit in which to get things accomplished. When you are the master of your own destiny, work hours tend to bleed into leisure hours.
  • Creative and intellectual fulfillment. Every one of my jobs — I have five at the moment, ranging from copyediting to video presenting to writing about burlesque — is something I believe in and enjoy doing. This has a major effect on my enthusiasm for life.
  • Being able to work wherever you like. I’ve worked on projects while sitting under a tree in Central Park; in the reading room of the New York Public Library; in other countries; and, frequently, from a supine state in my own bed.
  • Crowd avoidance. This is a small thing, but it’s a pretty swell feeling to be able to go clothes shopping at 2pm on a weekday or get a seat on an 11am train that would have been packed at 8:45. Avoiding the rush-hour crowds makes you feel like the rat race does not apply to you. (‘Cause it doesn’t! Yeah!)
    • Another day at the office. Pic by Bob Geile.

      Now, some downers:

      • Idleness. Compared to full-timers, I don’t work that many hours per week. But here’s the rub: when I’m lolling about in a semi-conscious stupor of a morning, or idly cruising the same batch of 10 websites over and over, part of my brain is freaking out about how lazy I am. “Do something!” it screams. “You’re falling behind! It’s embarrassing! DO THINGS!”

        This is, ironically, the stress of idleness. It’s especially pronounced in New York, where everyone is a Type A young gun overachiever who is constantly trying to prove how busy and important they are. Comparing yourself to such people flings you into a spiral of self-criticism, where you become so preoccupied with chastising yourself for your laziness that you don’t have time to do the work you are punishing yourself for avoiding. (Like most human behaviour, this makes no sense.)
      • Social isolation. Sometimes I really miss working at CBSi, because every day there was such an interesting, funny bunch of people within a ten-metre radius of my desk. When you freelance, you need to make a concerted effort to connect with people in your industry, or you can feel out of touch and socially maladjusted. If you’re prone to introspection, the long periods of solitude can make you a bit loopy.
      • The need to sell yourself. For some people this is easy, but I struggle with it, big time. I’m from the land of self-deprecation. The idea of emailing a stranger and telling them they should hire me because I’m fabulous is anathema to my culturally mandated modesty. But you have to do stuff like that when you are self-employed. A hefty dose of self-belief is crucial, but if you are doing something you are really passionate about, it’s easier to frame it in the terms of your work, rather than your personality or ego. Think about a problem someone has that you can solve. That approach is always more effective than “check me out, I think we both know you want me in your life”.
      • No employee benefits. I have no health insurance. If I get hit by a rogue moped, need a root canal or come down with appendicitis, I am totally screwed: the resulting medical bills would total way more than five years worth of tertiary student debt. And it’s not just the emergency-type stuff that’s pricey. Things like new glasses or the Pill or even basic check-ups are similarly exorbitant. In many cases it would be cheaper — and faster — to fly home to Australia, go to a doctor and fly back. So, that sucks. If you’re in a country where the cost of healthcare is not tied to your employment status (wow, what a concept!), you may have it easier. But here in the USA, being a freelancer means either paying a heap of cash for personal insurance or taking a gamble and staying uninsured.
      • The financial rollercoaster. A batch of cheques will come in, you’ll think you’re rich and will go spend all the money on cocktails and monocles. Then a few weeks later you’ll go to pay your rent and realise there’s nothing in your bank account. Whoops.
      • Taxes. Nightmare.

      So, should you become a freelancer? If you can handle all of the above, sure. It’s a lifestyle that comes with creative freedom, a lot of sleeping in and the satisfaction of charting your own course.

      Got questions to ask or experiences to share about being self-employed? Get commenting, tiger!

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How to cope when people hate you

by Ella on April 20, 2010

Pic by badjonni at FlickrLet us turn now to the analysis of hateration. (How great is that word? I believe it was made popular via this brilliant Mary J. Blige song.)

Sometimes I’ll visit one of my videos on YouTube and be met with feedback like this:

This is so gay.
not funny at all.
you’ll never make it please just give up.
your a dumb bitch and you are not funny.

Back when I was new to the whole putting stuff online thing, comments like this would have given me that full-body flush of mortification that one tends to get when reading unexpectedly negative feedback about oneself. But now that I’ve been publishing writing and videos on the ‘net for several years, I find that I’m no longer affected by such rancour — aside from being perturbed that “that’s so gay” is still in vogue as a generic pejorative. Comments like this are so hyperbolic and patently ridiculous that it’s impossible to take them personally. Sometimes I’m even impressed by the creativity on display. An anonymous commenter once told me that he hoped I would die while having an abortion. The specificity of that request was strangely amusing.

Most times it’s not worth replying to hateful internet comments, but if you’re feeling a bit cheeky and can’t resist a comeback, here’s the best strategy: humour and compassion. For real. It works every time. I tend to go for something like this:

YouTube comments

But my friend Anthony Carboni, who hosts the Revision3 show Bytejacker, always has the best responses:

Picture 18

Why is it important to keep your replies low-key and funny? Because in almost all cases, people don’t actually hate you. They hate their own, often misconceived idea of you, or what you represent, or the way that you somehow remind them of a failing or inadequacy or missed opportunity.

Think about the times when you’ve mouthed off about a celebrity or claimed you hated someone you’ve never met. We’ve all done it. Unless you are some kind of anomalous do-gooder with the constitution of a Care Bear, it’s likely you’ve snarked about someone’s appearance, behaviour or life’s work. But was it really about that particular person? Or was there something about them that made you uncomfortable because it was symptomatic of a greater ill?

I understand what’s behind the online hateration, especially when it comes from The Youth. I remember what it was like to feel frustrated and disempowered. I remember wishing that I could speak up and that people would listen and understand. A lot of people feel that way. And the internet is there, with its anonymity cloak and text input box, inviting you to unleash vitriol on the nearest convenient target. So of course people will take out their frustrations on people who don’t deserve it.

I won’t lie — there are times when I read comments and feel crappy. Sometimes I’ll be teetering on the edge of a bad mood, and a few choice words will sent me hurtling into the chasm of self-doubt. But the comments that hurt are always the ones that seize upon some pre-existing point of insecurity and lay it bare for the world to see. I don’t really care if someone tells me that my face looks like a smashed crab, or that I should get Botox injections in my jaw (which was a comment on a recent Rocketboom video!), but comments about weight and lack of intellect do occasionally sting. That’s because I’ve had complexes about those issues in the past. But now I just think about the person behind the comment, and how it’s a shame that they’re so unhappy with their own life that they feel the need to throw a virtual rock at someone else. If only I could send them all a copy of the Robot Unicorn Attack board game.

Rules of engagement with haters

  • Never write an angry reply. It’s not worth the energy. Save that passion for creating more cool stuff to put online.
  • Respond with humour and compassion. It gives them nowhere to go and makes you look like the level-headed, roll-with-it person you are. They’ll just come across as more of a tool.
  • Wanting to be liked and accepted is a fundamental human desire, but don’t rely on external validation from anonymous internerds to bolster your self-esteem. That’s what friends and family are for!
  • Know that you can’t please everyone. Nor should you try to. Do what you think is smart, or funny, or affecting. Do not dilute your ideas because you are afraid of how they will be received.
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And now for something completely different

by Ella on March 25, 2010

train

Pic by tochis

I recently finished reading Atonement, which put me in the mood to do a bit of the ol’ creative writing. So I challenged myself to write a little vignette-type thing without thinking too much or going back to fix and tweak and obsess. (I recommend this, incidentally. You will surprise yourself with what you write.)

Here is aforementioned vignette-type thing, just for something different.

—–

He sits opposite me, right ankle resting on left knee, sketchbook on his leg. We have our own quaint little cabin for 12 whole hours. Prague to Zagreb. The middle leg of our journey.

This train is a time capsule. Our leather seats are worn and faded, the luggage racks battered. An hour ago a man with a trolley delivered us two bowls of beef goulash, unbidden, on a trolley. We mopped it all up with torn rolls of bread as Hungarian fields whipped past our window.

He keeps drawing me in his sketchbook.  Trying to define me with exploratory strokes from a stubby pencil. It’s hard, he says. Especially the eyes. There are three portraits so far — in the first two my eyes are closed, and in the third my gaze is unfocused, distant, directed toward the blurred fields of sunflowers that stretch to the horizon.  I tried to look at him while he sketched me but it was too much. I had to smile and give a self-effacing laugh and turn away.

As he draws I’ve been reading a book: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.  There’s a character in it who loses the ability to speak, so he gets “YES” and “NO” tattooed on his palms and holds up the appropriate hand to answer questions.  Sometimes I wish I could do that.  I wish that when I was burdened with a terrible secret, people close to me would somehow know exactly what questions to ask, and all I would have to do is raise a hand silently.

What will happen when we arrive? Too much has gone unsaid. All this beauty and art and pastoral calmness around me and I’m still unsettled. I feel things only in short, sharp bursts.  The rest is muted by worry.  Maddening, intangible worry.  I try to push the thoughts away but more crowd in — the same ones, really, just phrased in different ways. A growing uncertainty spurred on by a thousand self-denigrations seizes my throat and keeps me silent. Soon I will have to speak. To talk about the messiness and the fears and the failings and explain why I feel broken. In my head I sift through language, trying to pick the perfect words; to assemble them into the sentence that will do the least damage.  

It’s so beautiful outside.  A cloudless sky; golden light. Two hours ago we threw open the windows and a breeze streamed into the stifled cabin. It felt like purification. I rested my head on the window frame and closed my eyes as the wind blew my unbrushed hair wildly about my face. He stood behind me, chin resting on my head. I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell he was smiling.

I have a fantasy where I tell him all of my worries.  I confess the ways in which I feel unworthy of his love. Piece by piece I lift away every gram of guilt and shame and fear that pushes me toward the ground. When I’m finished, I stand taller. I breathe slower. There is a pause that holds a million possibilities, and then he moves toward me and touches my face and looks into my eyes and says “Hey. I’m not going anywhere. Come here.” I sink into his arms, exhausted, grateful, and he holds me tightly as the cacophony of voices in my head lowers to a whisper.  

For now, though, we play games. We draw faces on our fingers and make our hands talk to one another. We sing made-up songs and recite monologues from Hamlet and talk about what we’ll do when we reach the sea. We’re so close now. I want to feel the salt water on my skin.

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The pizza story

by Ella on March 23, 2010

Pizza

Pic by Amarand Agasi

When I was about 10 my sister and I hosted a sleepover and, in a moment of uncharacteristic audaciousness, ordered a pizza to the home of a schoolmate we found mutually disagreeable. Being relatively obedient children, it was the most mischievous stunt we could think of. But, unaccustomed to such degeneracy, we made a crucial error: I wrote of our plans on a slip of paper — names, pizza toppings, everything — and my mother found it the next morning.

As the older sister, I was hauled into an interrogation chair to account for the evidence. I froze. I lied. I came up with elaborate excuses involving rehearsing a play whose plotline revolved around ordering a pizza to a fictional character’s hypothetical house. But I couldn’t sustain such nonsense for long.

My mother decided that the best way to punish a daughter who cannot stand confrontation would be to force her to telephone Pizza Hut and apologise. I could not think of a worse fate. I begged to be let off the hook. I offered to wash dishes for as many weeks as it would take to forget this whole thing ever happened. But she remained resolute. I had to make that call.

She dictated a script for me. All I had to do was read it, she said. “What are they going to do, come through the phone and kill you?” Over a decade later I still invoke that wonderful quote whenever I have to make an unpleasant call.

With shaking hands I dialled 481-1111, the centralised number for Pizza Hut’s Sydney-area delivery service. A child of about 15 answered. I looked at my script.

“Hello. My name is Ella Morton. Last night I called from this number and ordered a pizza. It was a prank, and I would like to know how much I can pay Pizza Hut.”

There was a pause. I could hear the adolescent thinking. Then, the sound of typing.

“That pizza was paid for. I guess whoever got it ate it.”

“Oh. So I don’t need to pay anything?”

“Nah.”

“Okay. Well. Thank you. Goodbye!”

I hung up. The warm feeling of relief flooded my veins. I looked at my mother. She gave me a wry smile and an approving nod.

I learned something pretty major that day: when you’ve messed up, you need to fess up and confront it, and the sooner the better. It’s terrifying and it’s uncomfortable, but the sense of peace that follows makes it all worth it. And the whole experience is rarely as bad as you imagined it would be.

Just a little something to remember for those of us who spend way too much psychological energy worrying about outcomes that probably won’t happen.

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Introversion and extroversion

by Ella on February 16, 2010

Today I got a comment on this very blog from a guy called Jim asking whether I was an introvert or an extrovert. He cited characteristics that would fit into both categories and offered to conduct a “thousand-question-strong Voigt-Kampff test“.

I’m going to politely decline the polygraph, Jim, but I thought the broader topic of extroversion and introversion was rather interesting, and decided to reply via video. Here is some talk about personality, authenticity, social personas and an unnerving encounter at a dinner party. Oh, and Rolf Harris pops up during a gratuitous divergence near the end.

(By the way, I now upload videos to YouTube pretty regularly, so if you fancy seeing each one as soon as the ones and zeroes have whizzed up the tubes, please subscribe to my channel. Cheers!)

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